Well...at least it's Royal!

BBC One tonight...the yearly spectacle that is the Royal Variety Performance. Yeah that's right, the star-studded extravaganza...here's a rundown of what went on.

First up, opening the show were the Pussycat Dolls. Well, we talk about the Pussycat Dolls...when really they should have been called "Nicole Scherzinger and her dancing wenches". Sounding shit live, and looking like slappers...not my cup of tea!

Next up was Graham Norton, the host of the show. Charles and Camilla are in attendance apparently. Norton taking the piss out of hosting the show as well as having a dig at Camilla...quality! Charles was laughing...Camilla was laughing through gritted teeth.

Norton then made way for Michael McIntyre, a comedian I like a lot. He's posh...and he's funny. I'm sure you know the guy.

He did a routine about men and women's roles in the house. Men in the Loft, the Man Draw with absolutely everything in it that will ever be needed in the house...all very, very true.

Still one of the funniest comedians of our time.

Up next was the cast of Disney's The Lion King...now...before you all start thinking "what the fuck? they had a lion on stage with the Prince of Wales sat mere yards away?" don't panic, fear not. It was the cast of the stage show. A stage show that, to be honest, i've always fancied going to see...and seeing them performing their show live tonight made me wanna go see it even more. "Circle of Life" is quite possibly the best song from any Disney film ever...and yes, I mean even better than "Zero To Hero" from Hercules!!!

Next we have the adorable Emma Bunton on stage (she was always my favourite Spice Girl by the way) to introduce "Naturally Seven", introduced as a bunch of guys who make music only using their voices....and WOW...they were awesome. Sounded brilliant. I saw these guys ages ago on This Morning, of all programmes, and they were quality...which was more than could be said for Eamonn Holmes when he tried to do it that morning!

Next up was those two guys from Gavin & Stacey. I don't even need to post up their names because, lets face it, they've been on absolutely everything together so i'm sure you know who they are. The funnier one, the larger one was telling the other one how much he loved him...interesting.

Duffy up next...not a massive fan really. Her voice is alright for one song...but give me more than that and I think I would be scratching my face...nice legs though!

Brian May and Kerry Ellis from Wicked, the West End show were up next. Now I have to say that I went to see Wicked in the West End a while ago with my friends and I loved it. This song performed on this show, "Defying Gravity" was at a really pivotal point of the show and was an amazing moment in the production. I would highly recommend going to see it if you get the chance.

Although...the performance on the show tonight wasn't as good as the version that's in the show on stage.

Rod Gilbert up next. Never heard of him...but I have seen him loads of times on panel shows. He's a Welsh comedian and his act consists of taking the piss out of being Welsh. Was actually quite funny. Taking the piss out of Charles and he was playing along, which is always good to see.

Following his bow to the royals, he was replaced by Tom Daly, some diving kid from the Olympics. He was out to introduce the winner of Britain's Got Talent, George Sampson. God I hate this kid. He certainly can dance but he thinks he's proper street and soooooooooo annoying. Loves himself so bloody much. ..although there was one moment in the middle of it where he broke through a window...that looked quite good. It's all about the show with this kind of performance and that was actually quite good...i'll give him his dues on that.

Myleene Klass up next...awww, the lovely Myleene. So gorgeous! I remember getting a kiss on the cheek off her when I met her when we played "Your Country Needs You" up at BBC Scotland nearly 2 years ago now.

But then from one talented woman to another one...whom I cannot stand! Yup...Rihanna out on stage next. Am I the only one in the country who cannot bear to listen to her voice? It goes straight through me!

Jimmy Tarbuck up next...dear lord...is he still going? Although I guess it is Royal Variety. I wonder where Bruce Forsyth is tonight! Ah well...Tarbuck introduced the legendary Cliff Richard and The Shadows......hang on...how is Cliff not headlining? Surely he's got to be the biggest act in this entire show? There was some seriously white teeth on show! Although his voice sounded a little weak...but he is about 90 years old so I guess he can be forgiven! His dancing was something to behold though.

So how do you follow that? Well you bring out some male comedy Ballet Dancers of course....nothing spectacular really...more of a time-filler...but it's better than the usual offering of tribal dancers I guess...

As they leave the stage, up come the judges from Strictly Come Dancing...what are the chances on Len Goodman shouting "SEVEN"...ah, no he didn't do it! Boooooo

The cast of Jersey Boys up now. A show about the rise to fame of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Looked quite good to be honest. Although was it just me that thought they were miming?

Our next act on stage is Josh Hartnett...haha...i've met him in a bar in Leeds...anyway...he introduced John Barrowman...well, what would the Royal Variety be without Barrowman?

He sung a song...and I have to admit...I thought it was quite good. It was called "What About Us" and I think that by the end of the night I will probably download his album...now that is sad!

Captain Jack made way for Rebecca Adlington...that swimmer woman with the big nose to come on and introduce Leona Lewis...dear lord!

I'm not currently sat in the same room as my Dad but I know he's now probably covering his ears as Leona warbles through "Run". She is so god-damned boring it's unbelievable.

Brendan Fraser up next, minus the Mummy's, to introduce a couple of comedians dressed up as a couple of fighter pilots during the war...not very funny at all.

Now we get Christine Blakely and Adrien Chiles (oh whatever he's called) from The One Show. They introduced the cast of Zorro.....hmm, think i'll gladly give this one a miss...another one that's not really my cup of tea...but i guess it's variety so there's gotta be a bit for everyone ain't there?

Jimmy Carr was up next. He's another i can give and take. Someone I ain't sure whether is naturally funny or not. I'd actually heard all the jokes before.

Connie Fisher (Maria from Sound Of Music) and John Barrowman (the guy from the show that found her) came on next to introduce Josh Grobin and the choir from that talent show! Nothing amazing.

But now.........it's time for GERALDINE! Oh yes!

Peter Kay's new character miming to "My Winning Song" and the Christmas song he/she has released. Peter Kay has totally lost his shine for me. But I'll talk about that in a whole blog dedicated to just him! The judges dressed as Jack In The Boxes though...nice touch.

Peter Geraldine now introduced the next act....TAKE THAT...now they are quality performers. Their best song in my opinion is Shine. They kicked off tonight with Greatest Day...one of their weaker efforts in my humble opinion. Still...they were singing live and sounding great.

Last up, Andrew Lloyd Webber introduced Graham Norton in La Cag Aux Folles


So there we have it...the Royal Variety Performance 2008. Looking forward to next year now...